You’re a new mom and you’re tired, overwhelmed, and fighting more in your marriage after having a baby. Things are challenging at home and lately, you’ve begun to worry that your marriage won’t survive parenthood.
Sometimes you wonder if you and your husband should have had a baby.
Sometimes you wonder if you’ve made the right decision choosing him as a spouse.
And when times get really rough at home, you allow yourself to acknowledge that you’re unhappy in your marriage after having a baby.
THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER BABY HURTS
Reading those words can be a little scary and admitting those feelings can be a little scary.
After all, having a baby is supposed to bring you closer as a couple. It’s supposed to bond you, make you fall in love all over again, and help you see all the good in each other.
Just look at Instagram or Facebook. There are
hundreds, thousands of pictures of adorable couples with their cute babies captioned “More in love than ever!” or “#blessed”.
But maybe you’re not feeling that way. Maybe you’ve been asking yourself, “What’s wrong with my marriage?” “Why don’t I feel more in love than ever??” “Why am I unhappy in my marriage after having a baby?”
Ugh! Those are uncomfortable thoughts and questions that none of us want to face.
But the truth is that NOTHING is wrong with you. NOTHING is wrong with your husband. And NOTHING is wrong with your marriage.
THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER BABY
The truth is that 70% of ALL couples experience a decline in marital satisfaction after a baby is born.
That’s right, more than half of all new parents feel unhappy in their marriage after having a baby, which means that your feelings are NORMAL.
Let me repeat that, most couples feel dissatisfied in their relationship after they have a baby.
NEW MOMS ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGE
After having a baby it’s normal to doubt your marriage, resent your husband, and worry that you’ve made a bad or wrong decision.
And while you may feel like your the only unhappily married new mom, you’re not. It’s just that most people aren’t talking about their unhappiness. Most couples put on a happy face and pretend to be “so in love”.
Rather than talking about what’s truly happening at home, most new moms spend their time together talking about sleep training, breastfeeding, and tummy time. They’re not sharing the fears that keep them up at night, the anger they have towards the man they’re supposed to love more than anything, and the resentment that continues to build in their marriage.
Most new moms are not sharing what really going on behind the perfect Instagram pictures. The late-night fights, days of not talking, and the countless disagreements they’ve begun to sweep under the rug.
Most new moms do not let each other in on how much they are struggling.
BEHIND THE CURTAIN OF MARRIAGE & MOTHERHOOD
So it’s time to pull back the curtain and talk about what most new moms are feeling in their marriage.
Let’s normalize the secret life of marriage & motherhood.
Let’s share the scary thoughts, angry feelings, fears, worries, and sadness. Let’s help each other realize that we are all going through the same thing… Like, we all hate our husbands from time to time (or more often in those early months of motherhood)… We all want to run away from it all sometimes… And we all worry that we’re not a good enough wife or mom.
REAL THOUGHTS FROM REAL MOMS
Over the years, I have discussed the transition to parenthood with hundreds of new moms.
I have listened to the overly happy moms, the intensely unhappy moms, and the women who fall somewhere in the middle. And while there is a range of experiences, most women report having similar thoughts and feelings.
Most women report feeling surprised by the challenges they face as a new mom. Most women share that feel sad about the changes taking place in their marriage. And most women express shame regarding the anger they have towards their husbands.
To eradicate that shame, I want to call attention to the 20 most common marital struggles new moms express about their marriage.
I want you to know what other new moms who are sharing in a safe environment say when they are at their most vulnerable because then you’ll know that you’re not alone. Then you’ll trust that your feelings are valid. And then you’ll know that there are solutions, answers, and the ability to start making it better.
So if you’ve been feeling unhappy in your marriage since motherhood and worry that you are the only one, read the list of struggles below and mark the ones that resonate with you.
Remember this is not about judging yourself or others. This is about normalizing your feelings and recognizing that although your current feelings about your marriage may be sad and uncomfortable, they are normal and there is a way to start making it better.
COMMON MARITAL STRUGGLES AFTER HAVING A BABY
- I hate my husband
- I feel angry when he plays golf/basketball/goes to the gym
- I want time alone, but am afraid to leave him alone with the baby
- He can’t do anything right
- He doesn’t help out enough around the house or with the baby
- He doesn’t understand my feelings
- His parents have terrible boundaries
- I feel jealous when he goes to lunch with a co-worker
- I have NO interest in sex
- I hate when he grabs my butt/boobs/etc
- I feel lonely, unappreciated, and sad
- I feel like I’ve lost my best friend
- I shouldn’t have to tell him what to do, he should just know
- I resent the fact that he gets to sleep through the night
- I don’t think he has any idea what I do all day or how hard it really is
- I miss the fun we used to have before we had a baby
- I thought he’d be a better dad
- I wish he would put his phone away when he’s with the baby
- I’m worried about how much we’ve been fighting in front of the baby
- I’m worried that I’m never going to want to be close to him again
QUICK RECAP: Again, it is normal to be unhappy in your marriage after baby. It doesn’t feel good, but your resentment towards your husband, your fears about your marriage, and your sense of loneliness are normal. There are simple ways to start improving your marriage, but it is also important to know that you are not alone.